Talking with your college son or daughter can be tricky. The roles you used to play are changed. You used to be the adult who had the final say so about major decisions but now you’re more like an observer who pays the bills and hopes it all works out. But we both know, you can’t totally bow out of their lives just yet. Over the last ten years of working with college students, I’ve gathered some ideas for parents who need to help talking with their college kid.

When giving praise or encouragement try to point out what is specific and observable and steer away from value or judgement statement. Observable actions are within her control while value/judgment statements reflect an opinion. (even if you know your opinion is right).

Scenario 1

Your daughter asked you to proof-read a paper she just wrote for her philosophy course. Look for things in the paper that are right and say you like them.  I like your choice of words in this sentence. I appreciate your use of transition words between paragraphs 3 & 4. The topic you chose is relevant to today’s issues. These statements acknowledge your daughter’s writing efforts and work done. Avoid generalized value statements. I’m surprised to see so many spelling errors. You’re writing is immature. You’ve written wonderful papers before, I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this paper. These statements are judging the value and worth of the person.

How do you address obvious errors in the paper? After all isn’t that what your daughter is asking for?  Keep in mind that your daughter is the one taking the course, not you. Ask your daughter what she would like you to look for. Ask her to be specific. Grammar and spelling edits? Transitions from one idea to another? Paper organization? Then only edit what she asks you to. Don’t correct the WHOLE paper. Hand it back and tell her I hope your prof likes it as much as I do. This approach creates a path for you to be an encourager. The help you offer becomes usable by your college aged daughter. 

Preserve your role as encourager while providing effective support i.e. usable help.

Scenario 2

You notice your son is becoming more and more anxious. You also know that mid-terms are next week. Your concern is growing. How should you talk with your son? Again, avoid generalized value statements such as “You’re so smart. You have nothing to worry about.” Avoid blame statements such as, “You’d be fine if you’ll just stop sleeping in until noon.” Try not to minimize the problem. “This is nothing. When I was in college I had 6 midterms all in three days!” No comparing. “Your brother took his midterms and did just fine.” Unless you are his drill sergeant don’t use the imperative. “Go to the library. Study. Read all your chapters.”

How do you offer usable help to someone who has a big worry? Active listening. You close your mouth. Nod and murmur uh huh. It’s hard to stay quiet and not solve his problem. Especially when you know how to solve his problem. Telling him how to solve his problem assumes that he is unable to solve his own problem.

Let your college son own the learning process and solve his own problems.

Instead repeat back what you just heard and reflect back what he is feeling. Let me get this straight. You have two papers due and 3 exams all next week. That’s a lot of work. This sounds little overwhelming. Be sympathetic. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time this week.  Be curious.  Just out of curiosity. Is this professor one of those professors who posts a review sheet on the course website?Kapow. Three points! You just offered a suggestion without telling him what to do.

Scenario 3

Your daughter dropped one course and failed another last semester. Now she is retaking the course she failed. Coming back from failure takes a special kind of determination. How do you handle all the stress you see in your daughter?  You know she is smart and has handled challenges before. As parents, we just want to tell our children what is obvious to our eyes. You’re smart. It’s going to be fine. Stop worrying. It’s not that big of a deal.  These might be true statements to our ears but to a student who is struggling with coming back from a failure these words might not go over so well. Your student is hearing that inner negative voice. That negative self-talk is saying things like.  I failed a college course. If I were only smart I would have passed the class. I must not be smart. I let my parents down. Everyone always tells me I’m smart but if I were, if it was true, then I wouldn’t have failed that class. It wouldn’t have been so hard. I would have understood the class and passed the final.

Psychologists call this negative dialog the inner critic. Researcher Carol Dweck calls this dialog the result of a fixed mindset. Dweck recommends  that  we focus on the actions that the student can change or choose.  Parents are tempted offer praise, Honey, you’re so smart.   Being smart is attribute that is not within the student’s control. Someone who has a fixed mindset views intelligence as something you’re born with or you’re not. Instead, try using an observation statement. You’ve read your material. I’ve seen you take notes and work with a tutor  (all actions that are within the student’s control). I admire the time and energy you’ve put into this course. Admiration is within your control. You’re admiring the student’s effort.

A healthy view  is that mistakes and failure are part of learning as opposed to being a measurement of worth, value or intelligence. This a growth mindset.  Mindset can be changed. We all need reminders to stay in a growth mindset. 

Intelligence  can be grown and developed.

Contact me if you’d like a complimentary coaching consult to learn more about GROWTH mindset. 

Photo by Ehimetalor Unuabona on Unsplash