Mr. Alligator, how do you manage your emotions?
Steve Bomar Photography

Four hacks for managing frustration and regulating your emotions.

People with ADD syndrome often struggle with emotions. They might have a very low threshold for frustration. Or they might struggle with regulating their emotional experience and expression. *

Managing your emotions requires you take conscious actions before the boiling point. It’s like physical training only this time you’re training your brain.   Let’s look at how your brain responds to stress. Stress causes a cascade of concrete physical reactions throughout your body. It’s the basic “fight or flight” response. It is a survival skill: “I’m about to be attacked by a big brown bear. Run.”  An almond size gland in your brain called the amygdala fires. It causes a burst of adrenaline and shuts down less essential  activities like digestion and abstract reasoning. But the amygdala cannot tell the difference between a big brown bear and a calculus exam tomorrow. We overreact.  Anything we perceive as frightening causes a chain of reactions that affect our ability to think and control our emotions.

Anxiety is not overreacting to a perceived danger. Instead anxiety can grow from the struggle to let go of a frightening thought. Anxiety can cause a circuit in the brain to fire and this circuit is like a rut in the road. Try as you might to direct the wagon of your thoughts, the wheels slip into the rut that they have ridden so many times before.

How do we reverse this cycle of overreacting or anxiety? Here are some of my suggestions.

Ruth’s hacks for managing frustration and modulating emotions

1. Take good care of yourself. Eat, sleep and exercise.
   

   Mrs. Spoonbill, what do you do to take good care of yourself? Steve Bomar Photography

2. Step outside of yourself and observe yourself. Spend some time maybe a week or two watching how you react under frustrating situations. Observe how you respond physically or emotionally to irritating or annoying situations during the day. What were you aware of during the moment? Notice any thoughts judging yourself or anyone else involved. I shouldn’t feel this way, he shouldn’t be doing this. Keep a journal. Notice what your body is doing. Are your shoulders hunched? Is your jaw clenched? Do you feel sad, fearful, or angry? Where did your thoughts go? Did you go into the past to explain what is happening? Are you leaping into the future to guess where all this is leading to? Look over your journal entries and look for patterns in your thoughts, reactions, what you said or what you did. The purpose of this first step is simply to make you aware of your thoughts and emotions. By raising our awareness, we sharpen our ability to see what is going on in our lives.
3. Be present. Choose an activity you already do regularly with someone. Turn off all digital devices. Eat a meal. Take a walk. Share a cup of coffee. Play a simple game. Oftentimes we are physically present but mentally absent.  During this activity be mentally and emotionally present.  Keep your thoughts only on the person you are with. Don’t allow your thoughts to leave the room. Don’t allow your thoughts to wander into your past or into your future. Don’t talk about yourself. Keep the center of attention on the other person. Respond to what the person is saying or doing.   In our busy lives, we often check out mentally and emotionally, thinking about an upcoming commitment or project or problem. For this exercise practice being present.
4. Practice mindfulness.

• Breathing. Our goal is to stop the stress cycle earlier and earlier. Step away from over-reacting and habits that we perpetuate when we do not consciously think and reflect about our actions. We want to pay full attention to our lives as they happen, without activating the inner-critic or going on a mental trip into our thoughts.
• Mindfulness- meditation is one way to train our mind. The skill to steer our thoughts away from distractions reduces stress and anxiety. We build our ability to notice distractions and return our attention to our present experience. Meditation builds the skill to step away from over-reacting and self-judgment. We increase our ability to focus away from continual fears, negative thoughts and emotions and instead we move back to the present and are able to live our lives more fully.
• A few ideas about meditation: Choose a quiet place. Get in a comfortable position, whatever works for you: sitting, lying on the floor or standing. Position yourself in an alert and balanced posture where you are less likely to fidget or fall asleep. Let your eyes close or focus your eyes several feet in front of you on the floor. Focus on your breathing. When your mind wanders away from your breathing gently bring your mind back. Instead of being swept into a stream of thought, pause and gently bring your thoughts back to breathing. When your attention wanders off – and it will- softly return to breathing. Expect distracting thoughts and feelings to rise again and again. Every time you find your mind has wandered off gently return to breathing. No scolding. No chiding. No criticizing. Give yourself permission to slow down.

If I get my own executive function manager to keep up the good work, my next blog post will be about Working Memory.

*Much of the content and ideas for this post come from my own practice plus

Bertin, M. (2011).  The family ADHD solution: A scientific approach to maximizing your child’s attention and minimizing parental stress. Palgrave MacMillan: New York

Brown, T. (2005). Attention deficit disorder: The unfocused mind in children and adults. Yale University PressHealth & Wellnes: New Haven.